You know, everyone who looks at me will say, “That’s a man.” But growing up, I was raised as a girl. I went to school as a girl. I had to cut school short because, when I reached my teenage years, automatically, that’s when things changed.
But people still identified me as female. So much so that there would be, like, groping and harassment from the men around. I started dating a little bit, and that’s when I started realising that I actually preferred girls.
I’m not originally from Maseru. I’m from the districts. I came to Maseru for safety, I guess. And just to make a living. My mom lives in the districts. And for me to meet her is difficult. When I’m going home… eyi, that’s a big stress, because of this culture of initiation. I could be forced into initiation. Abducted and put in an initiation school. And that’s very dangerous for a person with my condition.
I’ve been threatened before. They’d use abduction as a threat. In the sense that, like, they’ll force me into initiation. And so the reason I can’t visit my mother is because of the fear of that abduction. Because if I do get abducted into initiation school… I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but for me, it’s very dangerous.
Even my family – my cousins – would say things like: “Hee uena u s’o na le litelu? U s’o na le litelu? Ho etsahalang ka uena? Ho etsahalang ka uena? Re tla ‘lo u bolotsa! Re tla ‘lo o bolotsa! (Hey you, do you have a beard now? Do you have a beard? What’s happening with you? What’s going on? What’s wrong with you? We’re taking you to be initiated! We’re taking you to be initiated!)”
My mother is someone who really supports me. Though some things she doesn’t have any knowledge of. Even if I say, ‘Mum, I’m intersex’ – or whatever – it’s the same as if I’m talking to myself. She has no idea of this person that I am. She knows me as female – even though everything changed as I grew. Sometimes I used to stand naked in front of her, saying, like, “Mama tlo bone hore na ke motho ‘a joang. (Mama, come and see what kind of person I am.)”
She is kind of in denial about it. But it’s really just a lack of knowledge on her part. Because she always says: “Do whatever makes you free and happy. Always, I will be there for you.”
So, not visiting her is painful. She is worried about me when I am away from her. She is very, very, very not good. Because I am far away from her.
So it’s very difficult navigating the world with this condition. We are struggling because of small things. Because of being who we are. Yet, we did not create ourselves…
You know, for me, it’s simple and difficult. Simple because when you are proud of who you are, people can talk and say what they want, you don’t mind them. But when you are alone, there will be that thing of, “Eish, these people… Why do they keep on being like this to me?” You have questions, but there are no answers.
I am proud of who I am, but I wonder sometimes why I am being treated this way. That’s why it’s simple and difficult at the same time. So simple and so difficult.
And mna, eish… I just want to be ok. I just want to be ok with life. – Tlali (Not his real name)